The First Month

It has now been a little over a month since everything changed.

It hasn't been an easy month, and it hasn't been a perfect month. At least twice, I've caught myself deliberately looking at things I shouldn't have, and on many others, my eyes have lingered on things they should have glanced away from. But I praise the Lord that despite the struggle and small failures, I haven't gone back where I came from. I haven't looked at porn once in that span. That's not to my credit - I tried and failed for 20 years to leave that stuff behind but was never able to overcome it. It's entirely due to the work of Jesus Christ in my life.

I thank Him also for my wife. I was determined to let God change my life and to do what is right no matter what her response was. I knew that my confession would hurt her terribly, and I had no idea how she would respond. By God's grace and His work in her life, she's reacted as well as I could have expected. There are still some rocky trails to travel, but at least we're still traveling them together.

Things aren't quite what I expected, incidentally. Between stepping away from the addiction and moving away from goofing off on computer games and the like to focus more on ministry, I figured I'd have a terrific influx of time and energy. I figured I'd finally get caught up on the backlog of work I've got and be able to really work ahead on some things and do some things I've wanted to tackle for a while. It turns out that there still isn't enough time in the day/week. I still feel behind, and though I've been able to get more done, I guess, it still seems like it's not enough.

However, that's countered by what feels like an increase of power. It's strange... even when I wasn't consistently getting victory, I think I was still right with God most of the time. But there is such a difference between that and what I have now, where the pattern is victory instead of failure. It's hard to put a finger on what the difference consists of - but I think there is a real difference. It's not that I have time to do that much more, or even that I do it that much better - but it seems to have more effect. Or maybe that's just perception. But I don't think so.

So that's what the first month has been like for me. If you've beaten an addiction, what was the first month free like for you?