The Courage to Pay the Cost

Everything changed on Saturday, September 12, 2009.

But that’s not what this blog is about. Not primarily, anyhow. I want this blog to be a frank recounting of the life and observations of a (sometimes) thinking Fundamentalist, a young pastor who likes to watch, think, speak, and sometimes laugh about what he sees and thinks.

However, there’s a danger to speaking out about a movement (in good or in ill). There’s even a danger to describing your own life and how you see things. That danger is pride. It’s thinking you’re somehow better and smarter than the people you critique. It’s trying to make yourself look good for the people you’re addressing. Both of those are all the easier when the setting is anonymous. They’re easier yet when you’re trying to be funny while you do it.

So I’m going to tell you I’m not perfect. But I’m going beyond that obvious statement (usually a prelude to, “…but here’s why I’m more perfect than this person is!”). The second purpose of this blog is to lay bare one of my most shameful imperfections. I hope something which loves darkness will shrivel in the light.

*deep breath*

I’m a pastor. I’m a Christian, a married man, and a father. But I have struggled with pornography in its various forms for years. Okay, for decades, and the sad thing is, I’m still young. I’m sick of losing that struggle, of being dominated by that addiction. It’s time to win.

And so, on Saturday, September 12, 2009, I quit. I quit trying to fight the battle my way. I quit trying to do it alone, without letting anyone else even know the struggle was going on. I gave in to God instead of caving in to sin, and I determined that I was willing to do whatever He wanted, whatever it cost to win.

Jesus Christ rose from the dead, and that means He already triumphed over this sin. If He could triumph over it even in His death, He can give me the victory in my life.

But few meaningful victories are won without courage and without cost.

For years, I’ve kept the struggle with internet porn a secret from my wife (and everyone else too, for that matter). The one time I admitted to visiting a porn website, it hurt her terribly, and it’s had repercussions in our marriage ever since. I’ve been afraid that telling her I’ve fallen to it not just once, but throughout our years of marriage, will hurt her too badly for her to endure it and possibly wreck our marriage. If my marriage is wrecked, then my ministry is ruined too. That’s a real danger, and a terribly high cost for me. I have so much to lose.

In short, until now, I haven’t had the courage, and I’ve been unwilling to risk the cost to win the battle.

Now I’m writing a letter to her, putting it as gently as I know how, and pleading for her forgiveness, hoping for her help. I hope to give it to her in the next several days, when the opportunity is there for her to respond as she will. Perhaps I'll tell you how that goes.

Sin thrives on darkness, and it thrives on fear – my actions have been motivated by fear, and they’ve had me fighting a black thing in the darkness. No matter how she responds, whether in forgiveness or in anger, and no matter what it costs me, I’m going to win this battle, by God’s grace and through His power. Doing what is right is finally more important than doing what is safe.

There’s another factor here, though. As a fundamental pastor, if I were to admit to regular people in my church or to other preachers that I struggle with this, it would very likely end my ministry. Though everyone quietly knows that almost everyone either is struggling with or has struggled with this, when the knowledge becomes public about a particular person, that individual becomes a peculiar sort of pariah, looked on with either condescending pity or sneering scorn. A problem with porn is a quick route out of the pastorate.

Yet when I help other people fight a sinful addiction, be it alcohol, drugs, or porn, one of the best things I can tell them is to get someone or several someones to keep them accountable. Have people who know about your struggle and will keep checking up on you. Don’t slip back into the darkness where the sin thrives, but force it out into the light if it wants to ensnare you.

That’s the second purpose for this blog – since I can’t come clean, so to speak, with people who know me in real life, you, the hypothetical reader, are now my accountability. I’m going to try to be completely honest here, and I plan to give frequent updates to let you know how I’m doing. If I go a bit without posting, someone jog me with a comment or email.

This kills two birds with one stone – it’s a continually humbling reminder that no matter what criticism I may level at another’s ideas or practices, and no matter what praise I may heap to myself, I’m among the chiefest and most despicable of sinners. It also gives me the accountability I need to get victory over one of my oldest and most hated foes.

Perhaps my recounting of this battle in the days to come can be a help to someone else. I hope so. But even if no one ever reads this, or no one ever cares, I’m going to win this battle, because I gave up fighting it my way. It’s all God’s now, and He’s already won.

I’m under no illusions that this will be easy – remember that I’ve struggled and failed time and again for decades. There are steps to victory I haven't listed here in a single simple blog post; maybe another time. But now it’s time to stop fighting and start winning. I hope you’ll come with me on this journey of victory.

So, in case you’re out there and are ready to step into the light too, what do you struggle with? Are you winning? I’m four days clean. How about you?