Ah, smoking, that favorite whipping boy of the Fundamental, independent Baptist! That vile habit that destroys the body and subjugates the spirit, that corrupts our youth as it clogs the air with its vile exhaust, that exposes our adulterous friendship with the things of this world and our utter lack of devotion to the God who saved us! How dare we desecrate the very temples of the Holy Spirit of God, defiling the merchandise God bought with His own blood?
Where would we be without such an easy target to rail against? It's addictive, and it's destructive. The purveyors of the product have been proven liars, peddling deceptively a product they knew to be deadly. It snares children and kills thousands. Those in bondage to it are there because they don't realize their bodies are the temples of the Holy Spirit of God, don't care who owns them, or don't have the self-discipline to act on that knowledge and caring.
It feels like a risky target - after all, so many people smoke. The industry behind it is enormous. So we feel bold when we attack it. Yet we know our moral ground is unassailable when we do so. Of course, it helps that even many who smoke don't want to be smoking and that public opinion is really pretty strongly against the big tobacco companies, and no-smoking laws are being passed for enclosed public areas all over. It helps when we know that pretty much our whole audience, even the ones who do smoke or have smoked, would agree that it's bad. Yeah, it takes a bit of nerve to take a stand against something so pervasive, and there are people who will get offended by it - but on the whole, it's a pretty safe place to be bold.
But who is being bold? Who is taking the stand? Often, it's a 300-pound man who should weigh 180, sweating his way through the sermon, out of breath if he runs across the platform. There is a terrible hypocrisy here. If our bodies are truly the temple of the Holy Spirit of God (they are!), and if we shouldn't abuse that which God has placed in our care (we shouldn't!), and if we should have the self-control to live what we know and believe about this (we should!), then why aren't the preachers obligated to live to the same standard?
We have every right and responsibility to proclaim that addictions are dangerous and wrong for the believer. That includes nicotine. We ought not be under the power of anything but the Holy Spirit of God. But why does caffeine get a pass? Because it's more socially acceptable to NEED a cup of coffee in the morning to act human than it is to need a cigarette?
We ought not destroy or bring careless damage to that which belongs to God. Our bodies belong to Him. But why is it okay to slam cigarettes... while eating ourselves into an early grave? Because smoking is fashionable to preach against, while gluttony is the norm?
We ought to have the self-discipline to live out what we believe about belonging to God and discipleship to Jesus Christ in practical ways. That means being willing to not take the easy path in life, to give up something that may seem comfortable or pleasant now for the sake of eternity. Why can we criticize those who don't exercise the self-control to put down the cigarettes... but not go out and exercise these bodies God has given us to use for Him? I know that bodily exercise profits little and that godliness is far more important. Yet an unfit body hardly displays godliness, and it hardly shows that it's kept under and brought into subjection. I'm not saying every preacher should be an All-American athlete - I'm saying we should be good stewards of what the Lord has placed in our care.
Am I saying we should cease preaching against smoking, dipping, chewing, or any other means people court cancer through tobacco? Absolutely not. The principles for preaching against it are sound and Scriptural. But I'm challenging any preacher who speaks against tobacco to be sure his hearers can tell he's living a life of self-discipline and stewardship - or expect to be called rightfully a hypocrite.
After all, is our goal to turn people from one sin, or to lead them in freedom from addiction and disciplined devotion to the Lord who bought us with His blood?
P.S. Lest I seem righteous in myself, rather than in the grace and power of God... it's only been a bit over three months since I sought Him earnestly enough to lay aside my own vile, ease-and-pleasure-centered habit. There have been a few stumbles, but even the last of those was weeks in the past. Christ gets the credit. In myself, I'm no better than any four-pack-a-day chimney.
Showing posts with label Addiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Addiction. Show all posts
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Thursday, October 22, 2009
How to Win, part 5 - Finding Fulfillment
Why do people give in to addictions in the first place? Now, the first use of a cigarette or the first glance at porn or the first sip of beer may be a flippant thing - but what keeps us coming back? For you, the specific answer may be different than it is for me. We're all individuals.
Nonetheless, I think the root is pretty similar for all of us. We perceive a need or a desire, and we fulfill that need or desire through the addiction. Usually, we know the addiction is wrong - but it's the place we go to satisfy that need. As long as the need remains unmet elsewhere, the temptation is always going to be strong to return to the addiction.
If you're going to beat the addiction, you usually need something else to satisfy the need you perceive, something else to slate the hunger you feel for whatever you find in drink or drugs or porn.
Where do you find that fulfillment? The short answer is, "In Jesus Christ." If you've never been saved, you don't know the peace and joy that can come from walking with Him, no matter how bad the circumstances are. If we trust and obey Him, He really can meet every need. That won't take away the chemical element of an addiction, but it certainly does take care of the spiritual element.
Yet going beyond that, there are many legitimate outlets that He uses to meet our physical and emotional needs. What need does your drinking fill? Find the legitimate place you can get that need met. What need does your smoking fill? Find where you can get that apart from the addiction.
For me, it was porn, and it was rooted in the need to perceive respect and intimacy. Yeah, porn is a lousy substitute for a real relationship - any intimacy and respect that exists there is purely imaginary. But I think that's what I kept coming back there for.
What's the legitimate place to find that? In marriage, of course. Proverbs 5:15-20 reveal that an exciting, fulfilling relationship with your spouse is a great guard against immorality. And I Corinthians 7:2-5 are perhaps even more explicit. Spouses should protect one another from the temptation of immorality by being actively, joyously intimate (physically and emotionally) with each other. In fact, marriage is the ONLY legitimate place for sex, and it should be a haven of respect, as well.
The excuse comes easily, though. He/she won't let me. I'd love to have the real thing, but I'm stuck with the imaginary, because my spouse won't give me the real.
It's the same with drinking and drugs, a lot of the time. Those are used to escape problems. But they don't make the real problem go away, do they? They just make it easier to ignore.
Fundamentally, this is laziness. Instead of drinking or doping away the problems, go solve them with the Lord's help. Instead of turning to the imaginary intimacy of porn, make your marriage work.
Don't you think you'd work a little harder on your problems if there really were no other way out? Don't you think you'd work a little harder on making your marriage work right if you really didn't have any other outlet? You have to stop letting the addiction be the back door out of the hard work of solving problems. Odds are, the addiction not only is not helping you solve the real problems - it is contributing to them. So long as you allow yourself to walk out that back door, you are preventing yourself from getting the help you need or having the courage to take the stands you need to take in order to have the need met in a legitimate way.
So instead of turning to the imaginary and artificial, go back to the legitimate places of fulfillment. Start with Jesus Christ, and then use what He gives you, rather than substituting an addiction for a morally legitimate solution. I guarantee you it's more satisfying. It's one of the keys to long-term victory over addiction - getting the need met where it should be met.
Nonetheless, I think the root is pretty similar for all of us. We perceive a need or a desire, and we fulfill that need or desire through the addiction. Usually, we know the addiction is wrong - but it's the place we go to satisfy that need. As long as the need remains unmet elsewhere, the temptation is always going to be strong to return to the addiction.
If you're going to beat the addiction, you usually need something else to satisfy the need you perceive, something else to slate the hunger you feel for whatever you find in drink or drugs or porn.
Where do you find that fulfillment? The short answer is, "In Jesus Christ." If you've never been saved, you don't know the peace and joy that can come from walking with Him, no matter how bad the circumstances are. If we trust and obey Him, He really can meet every need. That won't take away the chemical element of an addiction, but it certainly does take care of the spiritual element.
Yet going beyond that, there are many legitimate outlets that He uses to meet our physical and emotional needs. What need does your drinking fill? Find the legitimate place you can get that need met. What need does your smoking fill? Find where you can get that apart from the addiction.
For me, it was porn, and it was rooted in the need to perceive respect and intimacy. Yeah, porn is a lousy substitute for a real relationship - any intimacy and respect that exists there is purely imaginary. But I think that's what I kept coming back there for.
What's the legitimate place to find that? In marriage, of course. Proverbs 5:15-20 reveal that an exciting, fulfilling relationship with your spouse is a great guard against immorality. And I Corinthians 7:2-5 are perhaps even more explicit. Spouses should protect one another from the temptation of immorality by being actively, joyously intimate (physically and emotionally) with each other. In fact, marriage is the ONLY legitimate place for sex, and it should be a haven of respect, as well.
The excuse comes easily, though. He/she won't let me. I'd love to have the real thing, but I'm stuck with the imaginary, because my spouse won't give me the real.
It's the same with drinking and drugs, a lot of the time. Those are used to escape problems. But they don't make the real problem go away, do they? They just make it easier to ignore.
Fundamentally, this is laziness. Instead of drinking or doping away the problems, go solve them with the Lord's help. Instead of turning to the imaginary intimacy of porn, make your marriage work.
Don't you think you'd work a little harder on your problems if there really were no other way out? Don't you think you'd work a little harder on making your marriage work right if you really didn't have any other outlet? You have to stop letting the addiction be the back door out of the hard work of solving problems. Odds are, the addiction not only is not helping you solve the real problems - it is contributing to them. So long as you allow yourself to walk out that back door, you are preventing yourself from getting the help you need or having the courage to take the stands you need to take in order to have the need met in a legitimate way.
So instead of turning to the imaginary and artificial, go back to the legitimate places of fulfillment. Start with Jesus Christ, and then use what He gives you, rather than substituting an addiction for a morally legitimate solution. I guarantee you it's more satisfying. It's one of the keys to long-term victory over addiction - getting the need met where it should be met.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
How to Win, part 4 - Run Away, Run Away!
There’s this guy named Tito. Tito is not a nice guy. Tito likes hurting people, especially me. He hangs out on a street corner I walk by on the way to work, and pretty much whenever I see him, we get in a fight. Not just a little disagreement or shoving match – a fight, the kind that doesn’t end until someone pulls the two of you apart or one of you can’t get up.
Those fights hardly ever seem to go well. Two fights ago, he cracked two of my ribs. In the course of the fights with him, I’ve lost a couple teeth, gotten three concussions, dislocated both shoulders, hyper-extended my left knee, broken my wrist, and forgotten how many stitches I’ve ended up needing. But I’m not going to let that guy beat me, so I keep going back there, and even though I lose more than I win, and even though I get hurt badly every time I lose, I keep fighting him, because, hey, I’ve got my pride.
Probably every man who reads this is nodding, either hoping they’d do the same thing, thinking about the times they’ve done the same thing (and proud of it), or wishing they had the guts to do the same thing. Men, we’re stupid sometimes, aren’t we? (It’s not like we’ve got a monopoly on stupidity; I could tell you stories, if I didn’t value my life… but isn’t this pretty typical guy thinking? Isn’t this rooted in pride, and don’t we know where that leads?)
There is no guy named Tito. Well, okay, there is, and he really is a tough guy, so, Tito, if you’re out there, I didn’t mean anything by that. I’m not exactly a cupcake, but I’ve got NO desire to end up facing off with you.
But Tito or no Tito, there is temptation. It’s like that big bruiser just waiting for you to come by so he can pick a fight with you. Now, you may be a tough guy yourself, but you know you don’t always win those fights. And whatever your win-loss record, you know that when you lose, man, it hurts.
Paul told his protégé Timothy in II Timothy 2:22, “Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.” He didn’t say to stand up to and fight the lusts head on – he told him to run, Timothy, run.
You can’t lose a fight you’re not in. So why go by that corner where the bruiser is waiting for you? Much of the time, we could beat addictions a lot more easily if we got serious about cutting off the sources of temptation.
Problem with drinking? Don’t go near a bar, and don’t hang out with friends who drink. Problem with drugs? Yeah, it might get ugly, but find a way to cut yourself off from your supply, even if it means turning people in to the police. Problem with lust/porn? Get a filter and/or tracker (such as Covenant Eyes) on your computer, and stay away from entertainment and places that make it hard to control what you look at.
This will probably mean changing the places you go, the things you usually do, and the people you hang around with. But then, do you really want to stay the same? If this will help you escape that addiction, isn't it worth it?
Get smart. You know yourself enough to know when and where you usually give in to temptation – the best defense is no be there.
If you’re trying to reduce the battles you lose, there are two things you can do – prepare to win more of the fights you’re in, and avoid any fight you can. A smart Christian will do both of those. You can’t avoid every temptation, because this is a pretty messed-up world we’re in. But you should avoid every one you reasonably can.
Don’t stroll by the corner hoping you can beat Tito this time – take another way to work, so you get there with your ribs intact.
Those fights hardly ever seem to go well. Two fights ago, he cracked two of my ribs. In the course of the fights with him, I’ve lost a couple teeth, gotten three concussions, dislocated both shoulders, hyper-extended my left knee, broken my wrist, and forgotten how many stitches I’ve ended up needing. But I’m not going to let that guy beat me, so I keep going back there, and even though I lose more than I win, and even though I get hurt badly every time I lose, I keep fighting him, because, hey, I’ve got my pride.
Probably every man who reads this is nodding, either hoping they’d do the same thing, thinking about the times they’ve done the same thing (and proud of it), or wishing they had the guts to do the same thing. Men, we’re stupid sometimes, aren’t we? (It’s not like we’ve got a monopoly on stupidity; I could tell you stories, if I didn’t value my life… but isn’t this pretty typical guy thinking? Isn’t this rooted in pride, and don’t we know where that leads?)
There is no guy named Tito. Well, okay, there is, and he really is a tough guy, so, Tito, if you’re out there, I didn’t mean anything by that. I’m not exactly a cupcake, but I’ve got NO desire to end up facing off with you.
But Tito or no Tito, there is temptation. It’s like that big bruiser just waiting for you to come by so he can pick a fight with you. Now, you may be a tough guy yourself, but you know you don’t always win those fights. And whatever your win-loss record, you know that when you lose, man, it hurts.
Paul told his protégé Timothy in II Timothy 2:22, “Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.” He didn’t say to stand up to and fight the lusts head on – he told him to run, Timothy, run.
You can’t lose a fight you’re not in. So why go by that corner where the bruiser is waiting for you? Much of the time, we could beat addictions a lot more easily if we got serious about cutting off the sources of temptation.
Problem with drinking? Don’t go near a bar, and don’t hang out with friends who drink. Problem with drugs? Yeah, it might get ugly, but find a way to cut yourself off from your supply, even if it means turning people in to the police. Problem with lust/porn? Get a filter and/or tracker (such as Covenant Eyes) on your computer, and stay away from entertainment and places that make it hard to control what you look at.
This will probably mean changing the places you go, the things you usually do, and the people you hang around with. But then, do you really want to stay the same? If this will help you escape that addiction, isn't it worth it?
Get smart. You know yourself enough to know when and where you usually give in to temptation – the best defense is no be there.
If you’re trying to reduce the battles you lose, there are two things you can do – prepare to win more of the fights you’re in, and avoid any fight you can. A smart Christian will do both of those. You can’t avoid every temptation, because this is a pretty messed-up world we’re in. But you should avoid every one you reasonably can.
Don’t stroll by the corner hoping you can beat Tito this time – take another way to work, so you get there with your ribs intact.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
The First Month
It has now been a little over a month since everything changed.
It hasn't been an easy month, and it hasn't been a perfect month. At least twice, I've caught myself deliberately looking at things I shouldn't have, and on many others, my eyes have lingered on things they should have glanced away from. But I praise the Lord that despite the struggle and small failures, I haven't gone back where I came from. I haven't looked at porn once in that span. That's not to my credit - I tried and failed for 20 years to leave that stuff behind but was never able to overcome it. It's entirely due to the work of Jesus Christ in my life.
I thank Him also for my wife. I was determined to let God change my life and to do what is right no matter what her response was. I knew that my confession would hurt her terribly, and I had no idea how she would respond. By God's grace and His work in her life, she's reacted as well as I could have expected. There are still some rocky trails to travel, but at least we're still traveling them together.
Things aren't quite what I expected, incidentally. Between stepping away from the addiction and moving away from goofing off on computer games and the like to focus more on ministry, I figured I'd have a terrific influx of time and energy. I figured I'd finally get caught up on the backlog of work I've got and be able to really work ahead on some things and do some things I've wanted to tackle for a while. It turns out that there still isn't enough time in the day/week. I still feel behind, and though I've been able to get more done, I guess, it still seems like it's not enough.
However, that's countered by what feels like an increase of power. It's strange... even when I wasn't consistently getting victory, I think I was still right with God most of the time. But there is such a difference between that and what I have now, where the pattern is victory instead of failure. It's hard to put a finger on what the difference consists of - but I think there is a real difference. It's not that I have time to do that much more, or even that I do it that much better - but it seems to have more effect. Or maybe that's just perception. But I don't think so.
So that's what the first month has been like for me. If you've beaten an addiction, what was the first month free like for you?
It hasn't been an easy month, and it hasn't been a perfect month. At least twice, I've caught myself deliberately looking at things I shouldn't have, and on many others, my eyes have lingered on things they should have glanced away from. But I praise the Lord that despite the struggle and small failures, I haven't gone back where I came from. I haven't looked at porn once in that span. That's not to my credit - I tried and failed for 20 years to leave that stuff behind but was never able to overcome it. It's entirely due to the work of Jesus Christ in my life.
I thank Him also for my wife. I was determined to let God change my life and to do what is right no matter what her response was. I knew that my confession would hurt her terribly, and I had no idea how she would respond. By God's grace and His work in her life, she's reacted as well as I could have expected. There are still some rocky trails to travel, but at least we're still traveling them together.
Things aren't quite what I expected, incidentally. Between stepping away from the addiction and moving away from goofing off on computer games and the like to focus more on ministry, I figured I'd have a terrific influx of time and energy. I figured I'd finally get caught up on the backlog of work I've got and be able to really work ahead on some things and do some things I've wanted to tackle for a while. It turns out that there still isn't enough time in the day/week. I still feel behind, and though I've been able to get more done, I guess, it still seems like it's not enough.
However, that's countered by what feels like an increase of power. It's strange... even when I wasn't consistently getting victory, I think I was still right with God most of the time. But there is such a difference between that and what I have now, where the pattern is victory instead of failure. It's hard to put a finger on what the difference consists of - but I think there is a real difference. It's not that I have time to do that much more, or even that I do it that much better - but it seems to have more effect. Or maybe that's just perception. But I don't think so.
So that's what the first month has been like for me. If you've beaten an addiction, what was the first month free like for you?
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
How to Win, part 3 - Going to the Right Place
I'd love to visit New Orleans right now. The Cajun food, the way the Saints are playing on both sides of the ball, the warm weather, the alligators... ahhh, the destination of my current dreams.
The last place in the USA I want to go is Chicago. Not even the Jay Cutler-led Bears or the deep dish pizzas are enough to make me want to visit that place. The wind, the weather in general, the ugliness of the city, the corrupt politics - it really is the one place in the entire country I have the least interest in visiting.
In fact, I'm so determined not to visit there that I mapquest Chicago from the address of every place I go, so I don't accidentally start heading there. I have bought roadmaps and highlighted all the routes that might lead to Chicago from where I live. I've contacted the airlines and checked into all the flights that lead to Chicago, just to make sure I don't get on one. Even the railroads and the bus schedules have all been checked and memorized to make sure I don't end up going there, even by accident.
I've got pictures of the skyline, and I've memorized a good portion of the city map, so I never drive those streets. There's a calendar of Chicago scenes hanging on my wall to remind me not to visit Chicago and see those scenes. There are menus from 14 Chicago pizza places in my desk, because I definitely don't want that pizza to lure me into going there and have me end up in those places.
I've got a sports card collection that features the complete Bears team for the last 18 years, the Bulls since Michael Jordan started for them, and the last few years of the White Sox. (Nope, no Cubs stuff... why even think about them, since they're not likely to tempt me to go there?)
I have six scale models of the Sears Tower, and in fact, I buy all of my appliances from Sears to remind me never to visit the Sears Tower. I focus on almost all things Chicago in my obsessive determination not to go there. I don't want to go to Chicago. I want to go to New Orleans.
This is stupid.
If I want to go to New Orleans, why am I thinking about Chicago at all? It's not like Chicago is on any legitimate route to New Orleans from where I live. Why buy maps that lead to a place I don't want to go? Wouldn't a much more effective way not to visit Chicago be to prepare to go to New Orleans? It'd be smarter to get maps and schedules for routes I want to travel than to obsess about avoiding the place I don't want to go. It would be smarter to collect things from the place I long to see than to pull together things that remind me of what I want to avoid.
But this is exactly what most of us do with sin, especially addictions. We say, "I want to live righteously. I don't want to fall into this sin." Well, that's great. It's important to define where you are and where you want to go and to recognize that there are places you never want to return. It's important to know what the real problem is and what was stopping you from beating it. It's the next step where we are so often stupid.
After having determined where we don't want to go, we then spend our time, thoughts, and energy obsessing about where we DON'T want to go. That's ridiculous. If you don't want to go there, but there is someplace you do want to go, focus on the destination you WANT to reach. If you're traveling to New Orleans by any legitimate route from where I live, you will NOT end up in Chicago.
This is Biblical.
Galatians 5:16: "This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh." The way to live holy is not by avoiding sin. The way to avoid sin is by being holy. You don't walk in the Spirit BY not fulfilling the lust of the flesh. You walk in the Spirit so that you DON'T fulfill the lust of the flesh.
Don't focus on the sin you're trying to avoid. In fact, in a sense, don't even try to avoid it. Instead, focus on living for Christ. If you're living for Christ, you will not be sinning. Throw out the maps that lead to sin. Throw out all the souvenirs of it and all the connections to it. Fill the house of your mind instead with the things of God. Plan your journey to the righteousness of Christ, and set foot on that journey, and there is no way you will end up in sin, because they're on completely different routes.
A spiritual battle (which any addiction is) is ultimately fought in the mind. And when you give footholds to the thought of sin, eventually you go back to it. Even if you start off thinking bad things about it, just continuing to think about it eventually corrupts your mind, and you end up back there in it again. (Yeah, I know this from experience.) So don't let yourself dwell on the sin or addiction, even if you're excusing it by trying to come up with all the reasons why it's bad and you'll never go back there.
Know how to ensure that you don't go there? Go someplace else. Someplace right.
Please understand that I'm not saying to pretend there is no problem if you really have one. I'm not talking about shoving sin into the mountain of stuff under a rug. Sin thrives on darkness, and if you're bound by it, you won't beat it by pretending it's not there. But once you've acknowledged that what you're doing is sin, you've confessed it, and you've determined to forsake it, don't even give it a foothold in your mind by dwelling on not going there.
Focus your thoughts on righteousness, and by default, they won't be foul. If you win the battle in your mind, you'll win it in your body too. Philippians 4:8: "Finally, my brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."
This can also be summed up as the replacement principle. If there's something bad in your life you want to get rid of, you don't just chuck it out and expect everything to be super awesomeriffic. You replace it with something good. If you don't replace the bad thing, it leaves a vacuum, and that vacuum is often filled with something you really don't want in there. Instead, you shove out the bad thing by replacing it with something good. If you don't want to take a trip into sin, start traveling toward righteousness.
Don't want to go to Chicago? Then start heading for New Orleans. Don't want to walk back into addiction? Then start taking steps into righteousness.
The last place in the USA I want to go is Chicago. Not even the Jay Cutler-led Bears or the deep dish pizzas are enough to make me want to visit that place. The wind, the weather in general, the ugliness of the city, the corrupt politics - it really is the one place in the entire country I have the least interest in visiting.
In fact, I'm so determined not to visit there that I mapquest Chicago from the address of every place I go, so I don't accidentally start heading there. I have bought roadmaps and highlighted all the routes that might lead to Chicago from where I live. I've contacted the airlines and checked into all the flights that lead to Chicago, just to make sure I don't get on one. Even the railroads and the bus schedules have all been checked and memorized to make sure I don't end up going there, even by accident.
I've got pictures of the skyline, and I've memorized a good portion of the city map, so I never drive those streets. There's a calendar of Chicago scenes hanging on my wall to remind me not to visit Chicago and see those scenes. There are menus from 14 Chicago pizza places in my desk, because I definitely don't want that pizza to lure me into going there and have me end up in those places.
I've got a sports card collection that features the complete Bears team for the last 18 years, the Bulls since Michael Jordan started for them, and the last few years of the White Sox. (Nope, no Cubs stuff... why even think about them, since they're not likely to tempt me to go there?)
I have six scale models of the Sears Tower, and in fact, I buy all of my appliances from Sears to remind me never to visit the Sears Tower. I focus on almost all things Chicago in my obsessive determination not to go there. I don't want to go to Chicago. I want to go to New Orleans.
This is stupid.
If I want to go to New Orleans, why am I thinking about Chicago at all? It's not like Chicago is on any legitimate route to New Orleans from where I live. Why buy maps that lead to a place I don't want to go? Wouldn't a much more effective way not to visit Chicago be to prepare to go to New Orleans? It'd be smarter to get maps and schedules for routes I want to travel than to obsess about avoiding the place I don't want to go. It would be smarter to collect things from the place I long to see than to pull together things that remind me of what I want to avoid.
But this is exactly what most of us do with sin, especially addictions. We say, "I want to live righteously. I don't want to fall into this sin." Well, that's great. It's important to define where you are and where you want to go and to recognize that there are places you never want to return. It's important to know what the real problem is and what was stopping you from beating it. It's the next step where we are so often stupid.
After having determined where we don't want to go, we then spend our time, thoughts, and energy obsessing about where we DON'T want to go. That's ridiculous. If you don't want to go there, but there is someplace you do want to go, focus on the destination you WANT to reach. If you're traveling to New Orleans by any legitimate route from where I live, you will NOT end up in Chicago.
This is Biblical.
Galatians 5:16: "This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh." The way to live holy is not by avoiding sin. The way to avoid sin is by being holy. You don't walk in the Spirit BY not fulfilling the lust of the flesh. You walk in the Spirit so that you DON'T fulfill the lust of the flesh.
Don't focus on the sin you're trying to avoid. In fact, in a sense, don't even try to avoid it. Instead, focus on living for Christ. If you're living for Christ, you will not be sinning. Throw out the maps that lead to sin. Throw out all the souvenirs of it and all the connections to it. Fill the house of your mind instead with the things of God. Plan your journey to the righteousness of Christ, and set foot on that journey, and there is no way you will end up in sin, because they're on completely different routes.
A spiritual battle (which any addiction is) is ultimately fought in the mind. And when you give footholds to the thought of sin, eventually you go back to it. Even if you start off thinking bad things about it, just continuing to think about it eventually corrupts your mind, and you end up back there in it again. (Yeah, I know this from experience.) So don't let yourself dwell on the sin or addiction, even if you're excusing it by trying to come up with all the reasons why it's bad and you'll never go back there.
Know how to ensure that you don't go there? Go someplace else. Someplace right.
Please understand that I'm not saying to pretend there is no problem if you really have one. I'm not talking about shoving sin into the mountain of stuff under a rug. Sin thrives on darkness, and if you're bound by it, you won't beat it by pretending it's not there. But once you've acknowledged that what you're doing is sin, you've confessed it, and you've determined to forsake it, don't even give it a foothold in your mind by dwelling on not going there.
Focus your thoughts on righteousness, and by default, they won't be foul. If you win the battle in your mind, you'll win it in your body too. Philippians 4:8: "Finally, my brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."
This can also be summed up as the replacement principle. If there's something bad in your life you want to get rid of, you don't just chuck it out and expect everything to be super awesomeriffic. You replace it with something good. If you don't replace the bad thing, it leaves a vacuum, and that vacuum is often filled with something you really don't want in there. Instead, you shove out the bad thing by replacing it with something good. If you don't want to take a trip into sin, start traveling toward righteousness.
Don't want to go to Chicago? Then start heading for New Orleans. Don't want to walk back into addiction? Then start taking steps into righteousness.
Friday, October 2, 2009
How to Win, part 2 - What Is Stopping You?
When struggling with an addiction, it's easy to get blinders on. That way lies frustration, dejection, madness, and probably bad breath.
It's all too easy to get wrapped up in combatting the specific problem. It's easy to berate yourself for not having the sheer will-power to say no to the cigarette, the website, the needle, or the Starbucks coffee. I mean, it should be simple - Just Say No, right? You know it's bad for you, you know it will cost more than it will pay in the long run, so why do you keep going back to the addiction? You end up beating yourself up over and over again because you didn't have the will-power to say no, even though you knew you should. But I don't think the real problem is necessarily will-power.
Remember, it's all spiritual. Yes, even the temptation to have that second helping of your sugar/fat combination of choice can be spiritual, if it's an issue of addiction. Spiritual problems can be pretty sneaky, because they're rooted in a very deceptive place - our hearts. They're good at getting tangled up with each other in the darkness, and that makes it hard for us to beat them, because sometimes we're fighting the wrong one.
A breakthrough came for me this past summer. I was at a Christian camp, and I have no idea what the preacher was speaking on at the time, but it suddenly hit me. My problem was pornography. But that wasn't what was stopping me from getting freedom. What was stopping me from getting freedom was pride. It wasn't the thing on the surface, but it was stopping me from ever getting sustainable victory over the thing on the surface.
In I John 2:16, sin is broken down into three main categories: the lust of the flesh (the desire to feel good), the lust of the eyes (the desire to have good), and the pride of life (the desire to be or be seen as good). Pornography, depending on its use, would seem most obviously to fit into one of those first two categories (as would most things recognized as addictions, I suspect). But for me, it was pride that had me fighting in the darkness, entirely apart from the motives for using the porn (which also centered more around pride than you might think).
It was pride which had me thinking I was different than everybody else, and I really could beat this thing on my own. I'd seen it in other people fighting drugs and alcohol, and I'd always shake my head and urge them to get help, to quit trying to do it their own way and start trying God's way. As long as they kept on hanging onto their own attempts at victory while trying to project a good face to everyone around them, they inevitably failed. Yet here I was, thinking I was going to be different - better, stronger, smarter than everyone else. That was pride.
And when I used the porn, I was deluding myself into thinking I was different than all the other fallen pastors and deacons and fathers and husbands I'd known or heard about. I was the one who was going to get away with it. I was the one who was smart enough not to get caught, strong enough not to let it destroy his marriage and ministry. That was pride.
Those two elements of pride had me wrestling this alone in the darkness instead of dragging it out into the light of God. They had me fighting it on my own, instead of telling my wife. And so although I was sinning with pornography, the chains it had me bound in were formed of my own pride.
For me, it was a huge step when I went to God and admitted I wasn't different from everybody else, I wasn't stronger and smarter and better. I had to go to Him and tell Him I'd do whatever He wanted so I could beat this. And then the chains were broken. They're still constantly trying to reform around me... but now I know what they're made of.
Knowing the battle you're in is a huge step toward winning. Identify not just what you're fighting... but what is keeping you from winning.
It's all too easy to get wrapped up in combatting the specific problem. It's easy to berate yourself for not having the sheer will-power to say no to the cigarette, the website, the needle, or the Starbucks coffee. I mean, it should be simple - Just Say No, right? You know it's bad for you, you know it will cost more than it will pay in the long run, so why do you keep going back to the addiction? You end up beating yourself up over and over again because you didn't have the will-power to say no, even though you knew you should. But I don't think the real problem is necessarily will-power.
Remember, it's all spiritual. Yes, even the temptation to have that second helping of your sugar/fat combination of choice can be spiritual, if it's an issue of addiction. Spiritual problems can be pretty sneaky, because they're rooted in a very deceptive place - our hearts. They're good at getting tangled up with each other in the darkness, and that makes it hard for us to beat them, because sometimes we're fighting the wrong one.
A breakthrough came for me this past summer. I was at a Christian camp, and I have no idea what the preacher was speaking on at the time, but it suddenly hit me. My problem was pornography. But that wasn't what was stopping me from getting freedom. What was stopping me from getting freedom was pride. It wasn't the thing on the surface, but it was stopping me from ever getting sustainable victory over the thing on the surface.
In I John 2:16, sin is broken down into three main categories: the lust of the flesh (the desire to feel good), the lust of the eyes (the desire to have good), and the pride of life (the desire to be or be seen as good). Pornography, depending on its use, would seem most obviously to fit into one of those first two categories (as would most things recognized as addictions, I suspect). But for me, it was pride that had me fighting in the darkness, entirely apart from the motives for using the porn (which also centered more around pride than you might think).
It was pride which had me thinking I was different than everybody else, and I really could beat this thing on my own. I'd seen it in other people fighting drugs and alcohol, and I'd always shake my head and urge them to get help, to quit trying to do it their own way and start trying God's way. As long as they kept on hanging onto their own attempts at victory while trying to project a good face to everyone around them, they inevitably failed. Yet here I was, thinking I was going to be different - better, stronger, smarter than everyone else. That was pride.
And when I used the porn, I was deluding myself into thinking I was different than all the other fallen pastors and deacons and fathers and husbands I'd known or heard about. I was the one who was going to get away with it. I was the one who was smart enough not to get caught, strong enough not to let it destroy his marriage and ministry. That was pride.
Those two elements of pride had me wrestling this alone in the darkness instead of dragging it out into the light of God. They had me fighting it on my own, instead of telling my wife. And so although I was sinning with pornography, the chains it had me bound in were formed of my own pride.
For me, it was a huge step when I went to God and admitted I wasn't different from everybody else, I wasn't stronger and smarter and better. I had to go to Him and tell Him I'd do whatever He wanted so I could beat this. And then the chains were broken. They're still constantly trying to reform around me... but now I know what they're made of.
Knowing the battle you're in is a huge step toward winning. Identify not just what you're fighting... but what is keeping you from winning.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
How to Win, part 1 - Recognize the Roots
How do you beat an addiction?
First, and most important… recognize the struggle is spiritual. If you don’t know what game you’re playing, you will lose pretty much every time. You’ve got to know the game, the rules, the techniques, especially to play in the big leagues. And when we head into the area of addiction, we’re on spiritual territory, not just physical or emotional or psychological.
There are two huge implications to that fact. The first is that what you are dealing with is sin. It is wrong. This is not merely a disease, not just a weakness. This is sin. This is something that offends a holy God. That’s true of any addiction, I think – we should not be brought under the power of anything but Him. Our wills should belong to Him, to be exercised in accord with what He wants.
While there are physical, emotional, and psychological elements to any addiction, and probably to any sin, ultimately, the fight is not just of the body, feelings, or thinking. It is spiritual. That addiction to alcohol, drugs, or porn is a sin, and if you’re going to beat it, you must recognize it for what it is. So long as it gets whitewashed, renamed, minimized, and justified, it will never be defeated.
I’ll be the first to admit that there’s a lot I don’t know about the physiological element to withdrawal symptoms for a lot of drugs. I’m not a doctor, and I’d probably get tongue-tied if I played one on TV. But I do know that the real fight over whether a person goes back to an addiction is spiritual.
Since it is spiritual, you can’t beat it without Jesus Christ. Even if you beat the substance or the behavior you were trying to change, you just get mired in self-sufficiency and pride, which can have worse eternal effects than any drug.
Since it is spiritual, you can have victory in Jesus Christ. He died for that sin, and when He rose from the dead, He proved He beat it. You can’t beat sin on your own – but you don’t have to. Once you realize that - that you can’t do it, but Jesus Christ already did - you’re finally in a position to really begin to win. Faith in Jesus Christ isn’t just the only way to go to heaven (John 14:6 - “I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the father, but by me”) - it’s the only way to real and lasting freedom and victory in this life.
Once you’ve trusted Him to save you, you don’t have to defeat that sin, because you died to it in Him, and you’re risen to walk with Him in newness of life (Romans 6). The whole process of getting freedom from addiction starts with the realization that in Christ you are already free. The shackles have been broken and trampled beneath His feet. Any victory you get is something He won.
For some people, this simple realization is all it takes. The battle is in the mind, and once they really believe the sin they fight was already defeated by Jesus Christ, they can just walk away from the battle and never struggle with the temptation again. Many just ask God to take away the desire for the sin (and some don't even ask), and He does. They never struggle with it again.
Maybe their faith is greater than mine, because I wasn’t like that. In Jesus Christ, I am dead to sin. But I’m far from dead to temptation. Yeah, there’s victory in Jesus, but I’ve got to be willing to live in that victory from decision to decision, and all too often, I’ve decided that defeat looked better than victory.
So if you’re dead to sin, but the temptation is still camping outside your door, what do you do when it knocks? How do you live in that victory Jesus already won?
I’ll get down to more practical measures in the succeeding posts… things like accountability and thinking for success. Some of those tools might work in specific situations, even apart from the spiritual foundation for them. In fact, I know that they can and do. But I like to have the whole picture. I don’t like swapping an obvious problem for a more subtle one. I want solutions, not problem exchanges. I like to know where the roots of a problem are, so I can weed them out. And the roots of the weeds of addiction are sin, burrowed deep into the heart of man.
First, and most important… recognize the struggle is spiritual. If you don’t know what game you’re playing, you will lose pretty much every time. You’ve got to know the game, the rules, the techniques, especially to play in the big leagues. And when we head into the area of addiction, we’re on spiritual territory, not just physical or emotional or psychological.
There are two huge implications to that fact. The first is that what you are dealing with is sin. It is wrong. This is not merely a disease, not just a weakness. This is sin. This is something that offends a holy God. That’s true of any addiction, I think – we should not be brought under the power of anything but Him. Our wills should belong to Him, to be exercised in accord with what He wants.
While there are physical, emotional, and psychological elements to any addiction, and probably to any sin, ultimately, the fight is not just of the body, feelings, or thinking. It is spiritual. That addiction to alcohol, drugs, or porn is a sin, and if you’re going to beat it, you must recognize it for what it is. So long as it gets whitewashed, renamed, minimized, and justified, it will never be defeated.
I’ll be the first to admit that there’s a lot I don’t know about the physiological element to withdrawal symptoms for a lot of drugs. I’m not a doctor, and I’d probably get tongue-tied if I played one on TV. But I do know that the real fight over whether a person goes back to an addiction is spiritual.
Since it is spiritual, you can’t beat it without Jesus Christ. Even if you beat the substance or the behavior you were trying to change, you just get mired in self-sufficiency and pride, which can have worse eternal effects than any drug.
Since it is spiritual, you can have victory in Jesus Christ. He died for that sin, and when He rose from the dead, He proved He beat it. You can’t beat sin on your own – but you don’t have to. Once you realize that - that you can’t do it, but Jesus Christ already did - you’re finally in a position to really begin to win. Faith in Jesus Christ isn’t just the only way to go to heaven (John 14:6 - “I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the father, but by me”) - it’s the only way to real and lasting freedom and victory in this life.
Once you’ve trusted Him to save you, you don’t have to defeat that sin, because you died to it in Him, and you’re risen to walk with Him in newness of life (Romans 6). The whole process of getting freedom from addiction starts with the realization that in Christ you are already free. The shackles have been broken and trampled beneath His feet. Any victory you get is something He won.
For some people, this simple realization is all it takes. The battle is in the mind, and once they really believe the sin they fight was already defeated by Jesus Christ, they can just walk away from the battle and never struggle with the temptation again. Many just ask God to take away the desire for the sin (and some don't even ask), and He does. They never struggle with it again.
Maybe their faith is greater than mine, because I wasn’t like that. In Jesus Christ, I am dead to sin. But I’m far from dead to temptation. Yeah, there’s victory in Jesus, but I’ve got to be willing to live in that victory from decision to decision, and all too often, I’ve decided that defeat looked better than victory.
So if you’re dead to sin, but the temptation is still camping outside your door, what do you do when it knocks? How do you live in that victory Jesus already won?
I’ll get down to more practical measures in the succeeding posts… things like accountability and thinking for success. Some of those tools might work in specific situations, even apart from the spiritual foundation for them. In fact, I know that they can and do. But I like to have the whole picture. I don’t like swapping an obvious problem for a more subtle one. I want solutions, not problem exchanges. I like to know where the roots of a problem are, so I can weed them out. And the roots of the weeds of addiction are sin, burrowed deep into the heart of man.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
How to Win, introduction
In a comment on my last post, I was asked about my thoughts on accountability. It's a dramatically under-used tool in beating sin in general and addictions in particular. It's not a cure-all, of course; you can have accountability and still fail, and some have succeeded without it. I don't even think it's the most important tool (given its relative prominence to other truths in Scripture). Nonetheless, it's a valuable tool, and it bears discussion. Sin thrives in darkness, and it shrivels in the light. Accountability is one way to shine light on your life.
However, that got me thinking. Instead of just dealing with one tool for beating an addiction or sin, why not address several? So I'm going to do a series of posts on how to get victory over sin and addiction.
For anyone who's wondering, yeah, I'm still clean. I guess if I'm going to talk about how to beat sin and addiction, I'd better stay that way. I'd hate to end up the spiritual equivalent of Jake Delhomme giving an off-season clinic on how to avoid throwing interceptions.
Have you won or are you currently winning a battle against a sin or addiction? What tools did you use, and which ones helped the most? Did you find ways to use those tools that worked better than others?
However, that got me thinking. Instead of just dealing with one tool for beating an addiction or sin, why not address several? So I'm going to do a series of posts on how to get victory over sin and addiction.
For anyone who's wondering, yeah, I'm still clean. I guess if I'm going to talk about how to beat sin and addiction, I'd better stay that way. I'd hate to end up the spiritual equivalent of Jake Delhomme giving an off-season clinic on how to avoid throwing interceptions.
Have you won or are you currently winning a battle against a sin or addiction? What tools did you use, and which ones helped the most? Did you find ways to use those tools that worked better than others?
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Two Tough Weeks
We're now up to the two week mark since everything changed. I won't say they've been easy. There has been struggle on every front. There's no sense of sportsmanship or fair play with Satan, and he's got no problem kicking you when you're down and assaulting you when you're weak.
These two weeks haven't been easy, but they have been victorious. Satan may attack while I'm weak, but God's strength is made perfect in weakness. To God be the glory; great things, He hath done.
These two weeks haven't been easy, but they have been victorious. Satan may attack while I'm weak, but God's strength is made perfect in weakness. To God be the glory; great things, He hath done.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
The Deed Is Done, And The Chips Are Falling
I delivered the letter last night. One of the toughest things I've ever done in my life. I still don't know how it's all going to play out - you never do when you hit someone with news that big and devastating. There has to be time for it to sink in and the reactions to begin to distill.
But something is working... I'm up to 10 days now, which might be a record in recent history. And the victory is really all due to surrendering to God and doing it His way.
But something is working... I'm up to 10 days now, which might be a record in recent history. And the victory is really all due to surrendering to God and doing it His way.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
The End of a Letter, The Beginning of Nervous Waiting
The letter has now been finished. I'll probably give it another once-over sometime this afternoon, then print it up. (Yes, it's typed... painful though it may be, I want her to be able to read it, and that ruled out my handwriting.) I don't much like it... it's so hard to write something that's not rambling, doesn't include justifications or excuses, and breaks things as gently as possible.
I expect the best opportunity to give it to her will be tomorrow or Tuesday night. Feel free to pray for us.
I expect the best opportunity to give it to her will be tomorrow or Tuesday night. Feel free to pray for us.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
One Week Down, One Eternity to Go
I'm now seven days clean. The letter still hasn't been completed, much less delivered, but I'm hoping to accomplish that in the next few days.
Seven days. So little, set against most of a lifetime of failure, and even those seven not without their momentary stumbles of thought or glance. But by God's grace and with His help and doing it His way... hopefully just the first days of an eternity of victory.
Seven days. So little, set against most of a lifetime of failure, and even those seven not without their momentary stumbles of thought or glance. But by God's grace and with His help and doing it His way... hopefully just the first days of an eternity of victory.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
The Courage to Pay the Cost
Everything changed on Saturday, September 12, 2009.
But that’s not what this blog is about. Not primarily, anyhow. I want this blog to be a frank recounting of the life and observations of a (sometimes) thinking Fundamentalist, a young pastor who likes to watch, think, speak, and sometimes laugh about what he sees and thinks.
However, there’s a danger to speaking out about a movement (in good or in ill). There’s even a danger to describing your own life and how you see things. That danger is pride. It’s thinking you’re somehow better and smarter than the people you critique. It’s trying to make yourself look good for the people you’re addressing. Both of those are all the easier when the setting is anonymous. They’re easier yet when you’re trying to be funny while you do it.
So I’m going to tell you I’m not perfect. But I’m going beyond that obvious statement (usually a prelude to, “…but here’s why I’m more perfect than this person is!”). The second purpose of this blog is to lay bare one of my most shameful imperfections. I hope something which loves darkness will shrivel in the light.
*deep breath*
I’m a pastor. I’m a Christian, a married man, and a father. But I have struggled with pornography in its various forms for years. Okay, for decades, and the sad thing is, I’m still young. I’m sick of losing that struggle, of being dominated by that addiction. It’s time to win.
And so, on Saturday, September 12, 2009, I quit. I quit trying to fight the battle my way. I quit trying to do it alone, without letting anyone else even know the struggle was going on. I gave in to God instead of caving in to sin, and I determined that I was willing to do whatever He wanted, whatever it cost to win.
Jesus Christ rose from the dead, and that means He already triumphed over this sin. If He could triumph over it even in His death, He can give me the victory in my life.
But few meaningful victories are won without courage and without cost.
For years, I’ve kept the struggle with internet porn a secret from my wife (and everyone else too, for that matter). The one time I admitted to visiting a porn website, it hurt her terribly, and it’s had repercussions in our marriage ever since. I’ve been afraid that telling her I’ve fallen to it not just once, but throughout our years of marriage, will hurt her too badly for her to endure it and possibly wreck our marriage. If my marriage is wrecked, then my ministry is ruined too. That’s a real danger, and a terribly high cost for me. I have so much to lose.
In short, until now, I haven’t had the courage, and I’ve been unwilling to risk the cost to win the battle.
Now I’m writing a letter to her, putting it as gently as I know how, and pleading for her forgiveness, hoping for her help. I hope to give it to her in the next several days, when the opportunity is there for her to respond as she will. Perhaps I'll tell you how that goes.
Sin thrives on darkness, and it thrives on fear – my actions have been motivated by fear, and they’ve had me fighting a black thing in the darkness. No matter how she responds, whether in forgiveness or in anger, and no matter what it costs me, I’m going to win this battle, by God’s grace and through His power. Doing what is right is finally more important than doing what is safe.
There’s another factor here, though. As a fundamental pastor, if I were to admit to regular people in my church or to other preachers that I struggle with this, it would very likely end my ministry. Though everyone quietly knows that almost everyone either is struggling with or has struggled with this, when the knowledge becomes public about a particular person, that individual becomes a peculiar sort of pariah, looked on with either condescending pity or sneering scorn. A problem with porn is a quick route out of the pastorate.
Yet when I help other people fight a sinful addiction, be it alcohol, drugs, or porn, one of the best things I can tell them is to get someone or several someones to keep them accountable. Have people who know about your struggle and will keep checking up on you. Don’t slip back into the darkness where the sin thrives, but force it out into the light if it wants to ensnare you.
That’s the second purpose for this blog – since I can’t come clean, so to speak, with people who know me in real life, you, the hypothetical reader, are now my accountability. I’m going to try to be completely honest here, and I plan to give frequent updates to let you know how I’m doing. If I go a bit without posting, someone jog me with a comment or email.
This kills two birds with one stone – it’s a continually humbling reminder that no matter what criticism I may level at another’s ideas or practices, and no matter what praise I may heap to myself, I’m among the chiefest and most despicable of sinners. It also gives me the accountability I need to get victory over one of my oldest and most hated foes.
Perhaps my recounting of this battle in the days to come can be a help to someone else. I hope so. But even if no one ever reads this, or no one ever cares, I’m going to win this battle, because I gave up fighting it my way. It’s all God’s now, and He’s already won.
I’m under no illusions that this will be easy – remember that I’ve struggled and failed time and again for decades. There are steps to victory I haven't listed here in a single simple blog post; maybe another time. But now it’s time to stop fighting and start winning. I hope you’ll come with me on this journey of victory.
So, in case you’re out there and are ready to step into the light too, what do you struggle with? Are you winning? I’m four days clean. How about you?
But that’s not what this blog is about. Not primarily, anyhow. I want this blog to be a frank recounting of the life and observations of a (sometimes) thinking Fundamentalist, a young pastor who likes to watch, think, speak, and sometimes laugh about what he sees and thinks.
However, there’s a danger to speaking out about a movement (in good or in ill). There’s even a danger to describing your own life and how you see things. That danger is pride. It’s thinking you’re somehow better and smarter than the people you critique. It’s trying to make yourself look good for the people you’re addressing. Both of those are all the easier when the setting is anonymous. They’re easier yet when you’re trying to be funny while you do it.
So I’m going to tell you I’m not perfect. But I’m going beyond that obvious statement (usually a prelude to, “…but here’s why I’m more perfect than this person is!”). The second purpose of this blog is to lay bare one of my most shameful imperfections. I hope something which loves darkness will shrivel in the light.
*deep breath*
I’m a pastor. I’m a Christian, a married man, and a father. But I have struggled with pornography in its various forms for years. Okay, for decades, and the sad thing is, I’m still young. I’m sick of losing that struggle, of being dominated by that addiction. It’s time to win.
And so, on Saturday, September 12, 2009, I quit. I quit trying to fight the battle my way. I quit trying to do it alone, without letting anyone else even know the struggle was going on. I gave in to God instead of caving in to sin, and I determined that I was willing to do whatever He wanted, whatever it cost to win.
Jesus Christ rose from the dead, and that means He already triumphed over this sin. If He could triumph over it even in His death, He can give me the victory in my life.
But few meaningful victories are won without courage and without cost.
For years, I’ve kept the struggle with internet porn a secret from my wife (and everyone else too, for that matter). The one time I admitted to visiting a porn website, it hurt her terribly, and it’s had repercussions in our marriage ever since. I’ve been afraid that telling her I’ve fallen to it not just once, but throughout our years of marriage, will hurt her too badly for her to endure it and possibly wreck our marriage. If my marriage is wrecked, then my ministry is ruined too. That’s a real danger, and a terribly high cost for me. I have so much to lose.
In short, until now, I haven’t had the courage, and I’ve been unwilling to risk the cost to win the battle.
Now I’m writing a letter to her, putting it as gently as I know how, and pleading for her forgiveness, hoping for her help. I hope to give it to her in the next several days, when the opportunity is there for her to respond as she will. Perhaps I'll tell you how that goes.
Sin thrives on darkness, and it thrives on fear – my actions have been motivated by fear, and they’ve had me fighting a black thing in the darkness. No matter how she responds, whether in forgiveness or in anger, and no matter what it costs me, I’m going to win this battle, by God’s grace and through His power. Doing what is right is finally more important than doing what is safe.
There’s another factor here, though. As a fundamental pastor, if I were to admit to regular people in my church or to other preachers that I struggle with this, it would very likely end my ministry. Though everyone quietly knows that almost everyone either is struggling with or has struggled with this, when the knowledge becomes public about a particular person, that individual becomes a peculiar sort of pariah, looked on with either condescending pity or sneering scorn. A problem with porn is a quick route out of the pastorate.
Yet when I help other people fight a sinful addiction, be it alcohol, drugs, or porn, one of the best things I can tell them is to get someone or several someones to keep them accountable. Have people who know about your struggle and will keep checking up on you. Don’t slip back into the darkness where the sin thrives, but force it out into the light if it wants to ensnare you.
That’s the second purpose for this blog – since I can’t come clean, so to speak, with people who know me in real life, you, the hypothetical reader, are now my accountability. I’m going to try to be completely honest here, and I plan to give frequent updates to let you know how I’m doing. If I go a bit without posting, someone jog me with a comment or email.
This kills two birds with one stone – it’s a continually humbling reminder that no matter what criticism I may level at another’s ideas or practices, and no matter what praise I may heap to myself, I’m among the chiefest and most despicable of sinners. It also gives me the accountability I need to get victory over one of my oldest and most hated foes.
Perhaps my recounting of this battle in the days to come can be a help to someone else. I hope so. But even if no one ever reads this, or no one ever cares, I’m going to win this battle, because I gave up fighting it my way. It’s all God’s now, and He’s already won.
I’m under no illusions that this will be easy – remember that I’ve struggled and failed time and again for decades. There are steps to victory I haven't listed here in a single simple blog post; maybe another time. But now it’s time to stop fighting and start winning. I hope you’ll come with me on this journey of victory.
So, in case you’re out there and are ready to step into the light too, what do you struggle with? Are you winning? I’m four days clean. How about you?
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